woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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