a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize