my vag is so smooth its legendary
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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