someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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