it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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