The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
