I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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