I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
