i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
