saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
