New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So vagazzling was a success
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
