there's paper in my vomit.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
