The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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