If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
