I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
