Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
