my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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