Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize