Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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