i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
