I love black thongs
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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