just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
