and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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