Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize