Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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