you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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