I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
