i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i drank out of a bidet.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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