I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
