apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This is my gift to your gina
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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