My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Randomize
