never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
