I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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