my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
