The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
