There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
