I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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