mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
