I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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