In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
