How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
where are you?
Hypothermia
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
