when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
