Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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