pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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