my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
