Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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