Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He kissed a someone with a penis
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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