if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
