tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
