when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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