when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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