i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
