So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
