Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
