When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
