Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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