there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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